Finally done with my first semester of university. These past few months have been a real challenge for me. I was perhaps about 85% sure about my choice of university when I applied and as the weeks went past the percentage just dwindled at an alarming rate. I pretty much reached 8%. I was 8% sure I was in the right place, that is basically saying, I have no idea what I'm doing in ADM.
I'm sure some people just think I'm ungrateful and selfish for thinking this way. I got a place in university and here I am doubting everything under the sun but those are my honest feelings. I had expectations when I entered ADM. I expected an art school but I got a design school. Nothing is wrong with that, of course. But I wanted an art school. Imagine my complete and utter dismay when they said that ADM is slowly transiting into a design school and it's dropping it's fine art element. All I could think of was, I'm in the wrong place. I look around and my peers are loving school. It was so hard for me to get into it. Sure, I do my assignments and all but ultimately, I kind of despised the whole thing. I'm slowly accepting that I probably chose the wrong school and I should have gone overseas but I'm accepting it.
There is nothing you can learn that is useless, I suppose. But wow, when I say it was hard for me, it was hard for me. I've learnt a lot of things about myself in these few months. I now know that I'm exceptionally lazy. Hah! What a shocker. But seriously, I'm not lazy in the way that I don't want to do my work but I'm lazy in the way that I do it once and I won't do it again. It's terrible work ethics, I know. But I've realized that I show dedication and only become meticulous about my work when I enjoy it. Out of the countless of assignments that I've submitted, I've only truly put in what I think it my best in two of the assignments. One of which, if you read my blog constantly, you would have seen my post-internet art assignment. I felt like the rest of the assignments I got were a chore, they were tedious and some of them (to me, this is completely subjective) were pointless and ridiculous. It's so hard for me to put in effort in something I don't like. I wish I could just force it but I'm such a nuisance to myself because I can't.
I think I got a bit anti-social these few months. Ryan was telling me to go out there and live it but all I wanted to do was go back under the sheets and stay there. I hated everything. I embodied grumpy cat, I was the most irritable, unattractive, unhappy person alive. Ah, life is hard when nothing goes your way. It's kind of funny now.
I can literally hear people telling me to suck it up. I am sucking it up. This is me sucking it up and resigning to my fate. I can't choose everything I want to do and I definitely won't get to do everything I want to do but I can work with what I have. This was a personal struggle, one I didn't really voice out because in my head, it sounded very childish. Anyway, in this semester, I've met some really shitty people. They've probably contributed to my dislike for school but I have met very wonderful people as well. The first few weeks of school were excruciating, there was this awful person with a terrible personality, saying and doing horrible things... I just could not deal. This person wins most terrible person I've met in university, congratulations. You know, finding new friends is like playing that shark game where you press the teeth and see if it bites you. Hah! I just made finding friends sound awful. You know what I mean. I'm trying to say, I've found some pretty decent friends and I love them. They made school so much better than it would have been and I've had fun despite not having fun. So... I don't know if you guys will read this but, Su-Lynn and Chia Tong, I love you both. Ya'll are the straw to my berry and the spag to my ghetti.
Oh yes. I love my roommate too. Amanda, you're the bomb.com. She's the most considerate and sweet night owl ever. Sometimes I irritate her by waking up too early and sleeping too early but she's still super sweet to me. Ah, when I think about it, I actually have very wonderful people around me. I must learn to see more of that and less of shitty people.
Thank you everyone who didn't run from me when I was a horrible person these few months.
Shout out to my ldr in Vancouver, Gracia I love you too.
I'm so happy it's all over!